Don't Stand On The Watermelon

Don't Stand On The Watermelon

"Ugh! I hate multiplication!"

So yelled Avery as she sat at the kitchen table to do her homework.

"I can't do this! It's too hard!"

This, after showing me the results of her math quiz...

The one where she got 34 out of 36 questions right...

"My teacher says we have to self-correct our homework.  Can you do it for me? Please?"

When I told her no, she immediately whined, "But wh-h-h-y?"

"Because 'self-correct' means you are supposed to do it," I informed her.

So she sat, huffing and puffing, doing her homework.  And when it was done, she flounced down to the basement where she (I'm assuming) flung her body onto one of the couches and continued to complain loudly to her brothers and sister that "multiplication is so stupid! It's not like I'm ever going to need it in real life!"

Ah, the innocence (ignorance?) of youth...

Here's The Thing...

Here's the thing...

I am a liar.

I have written here about accepting who I am: my age (45 now), diabetes (since I was 11), celiac disease (3 1/2 years ago), Asperger's (my oldest), ADHD (3 of 4 children with a clinical diagnosis) and it's all crap.

At heart, I am neurotic and despondent when it comes to my weight and it affects nearly every single thing I do.  I have two daughters who I try to teach to be strong and confident, and somewhere along the line, at least one of them has processed the information and has the kind of self-confidence and body image I wish I had. She believes she is beautiful inside and out (she is, but the fact that she claims that information as her own astounds me) and that anyone who doesn't think so is clearly not worth her time. (And she's only 11!)

I have spent decades trying to develop that kind of self-love and I am so far from it, I don't know if it is something I will ever achieve.

Why is all this coming out now?

Because I am a Type 1 diabetic.

A diabetic who has spent years sort of hovering along the lines of being in control of her blood sugar, but never really trying all that hard to control things (except when I was pregnant).  Recently I read a book called, "Breakthrough - Banting, Best and the Race to Save Millions of Diabetics"...a book that has had a profound effect on how I view my life.

I've always known that I was pretty lucky to have been diagnosed when I was (1979), because like I said, I was 11 when I was told that life as I knew it was over forever.  I knew that if I had developed diabetes  60 years earlier, I would have been dead fairly quickly.  I've also always known that I'm pretty lucky to have had diabetes for so long without any major complications...oh sure, there was that period of time in the early 1990's, when I needed to have laser surgery to correct the leaking blood vessels in my eyes, and I had to start taking ACE inhibitors (don't ask me what it stands for, it's some medical acronym for some stupidly long name) to help protect my kidneys (but I stopped taking those when my husband and I decided to have children-that was in the spring of 1999-and I haven't taken them since)...but other than those interludes, I've been pretty blessed when it comes to diabetes.

And for the most part, I've never seen it as a curse...it's been a blessing...it's taught me to stop and take the time to actually be present in my life...to stop and (actually) smell the roses...I've been stopped dead in my tracks to stare breathlessly at a sunset, I've been overcome with emotion watching children (not even my own!) playing a game of tag and I've lost count of the number of times I have said "thank you" to God for all He has given me.

And then I read that damned book.  And it made me want to try a wee bit harder to control my blood sugars so I could do my best to be around long after my grandchildren are (will be, at some point in the not-so-distant-future) born...

And you know what I found out?  That the tighter your blood sugar control, the more f'ing weight you gain.  I've put on five (!) pounds in the last week and a half!

I thought, maybe it's just me...obviously, I am eating way more than I should be, or I'm not exercising enough...and then I realized...wait a second, I've been keeping track on that app, I can go and see what I've been doing!  And so I did...and I found out that nope, not eating more than usual, not exercising any less...the only difference is that I'm working my ass off, trying to control my blood sugar, which means I end up taking more insulin than I used to and suddenly I'm having to wear f'ing sweatpants all the time because my jeans are so uncomfortable!

So my choice is keep my blood sugar higher than it's supposed to be and fit into my clothes, or keep my blood sugar where it's supposed to be and get fatter and fatter...some choice.

This morning I went online...you know you all do it...google whatever issue it is you have and try to find out if you're normal...and yes, yes, I know...the interwebs are not exactly known for always having the best information out there...far too many of us self-diagnose whatever illness du jour is floating around in cyberspace and suddenly, our doctors are trying to talk us down off the ledge we've climbed out on to and let us know that, in fact, we are not dying from some weird skin condition that no one in North America has ever heard of...

But I digress...I went on, to try to find out if anyone else has had this problem of the sugars and the weight gain.  And lo and behold, I found lots of people just like me.  Only problem is, none of them seemed to have any kind of solution.  Lots of bitching and whining (oh how I could relate!), but no concrete answers to the problem.

So I'm still stuck.  Still trying to figure out what the hell I do to get myself into shape without compromising my blood sugar...still trying to figure out if I should just give up...and if I do, which one should it be?

And why the hell do I have to make that choice anyway?

Le sigh...

Happy ? Halloween...

It's October 31 again...

Which means Halloween is almost over...

Officially, it's today only, but the entire month of October is one big creep-fest for most people...scary movies on tv and in theatres, kids trying to find the creepiest, ghouliest (it's a word) costumes possible...my boys trying to figure out how best to scare the crap out me...

I hate it.

I hate being scared. I hate scary movies, scary costumes and scary music. Hate it, hate it, hate it...I know there are others out there who feel the same way I do (my sisters being two of them, not sure about my brother), but we seem to be few and far between...

We used to have a babysitter who would watch horror movies after she put our kids to bed.  One night, we came home to find the house dark (or mostly, only one light was on upstairs), and our lovely babysitter Ashley, sitting in our darkened basement, watching "The Fog"...

"Are you well?" I asked her.

"Oh, I love scary movies," she told me.

I'm creeped out just thinking about it.

Personally, I'm a Christmas girl...I get giddy seeing Christmas decorations in the store in August.  I call my husband and giggle like a school girl each time I see some new sign that Christmas is getting closer...I plan baking and turkey dinners and where to hide the gifts so the kids don't find them...I love Christmas music (and especially the radio station in town that plays Christmas music 24 hours a day, seven days a week from November 24 to December 25)...I love watching Christmas specials and watching the first flakes come down...

It's almost here...I just have to get through today...

Gluten Kicked My Butt Again...

A few weeks ago, my sister, who was in town for work, told me that she doesn't believe that I have celiac disease.  "I think you're gluten intolerant, but not an actual celiac," she said. "Because you don't get sick like two of my friends back home."

"Well," I replied. "My doctor, the guy with the medical degrees, says that I do, so I'm gonna go with that, 'k?"

On Sunday morning, my husband sent my sister a text describing my reaction to ingesting a tiny amount of gluten (and who the heck puts barley in chicken broth?  Oh yeah, Campbell's...thanks a whole heck of a lot boys)..."she looks like the Stay Puff marshmallow man"...if you've never seen "Ghostbusters", then you won't get the reference, suffice it to say that I was a tad bloated.

And in pain.

I had a blinding headache, my eyeballs hurt, my feet were so swollen I had trouble getting my shoes on (and in fact, Saturday night when we got in the car to go home, I took off my socks and shoes because they were too tight), my stomach was bloated out so far I looked about 7 months pregnant, every bone in my body hurt, and I was so exhausted I did not want to get out of bed.

Then there was the nausea.

What was that about not being sick when I eat gluten?

It's three days later and I'm finally starting to feel human again...but damn, that gluten is a bitch. A nasty, take-no-prisoners-slash-your-tires-because-you-broke-up-with-her-bitch.

I hope I never run into her again...

I think I have developed seasonal allergies.

Which really, really, really ticks me off.

I've already had to give up gluten (which includes wheat, barley, rye, spelt and kamut), dairy (which means milk, cheese and cream) and now processed sugar (which includes pretty much anything fun).

So to not be able to go outside without my eyes getting itchy and watery, my nose either continuously running or stuffed so badly I can't breathe and feeling like I'm surrounded by a fog, really makes me want to scream.

I need to get in to see my doctor, but he doesn't have any spots open until September, unless I call next Friday morning at 8, when I can try to get an appointment for the following week...it's all very confusing...

In the meantime, what I thought was a cold is not affected in the slightest by cold medication, but clears up completely when I take allergy meds...

And maybe it's nothing at all...

That's what I'm hoping for...

Worst. Blogger. Ever.

Here's the short version:

Since August:

Ian's 12.

Avery's 9 1/2.  A pre-teen. May the Lord save us all.

Emma and Jamie are 8 and nearly as tall as I am.

We bought a new house.

Brian's still writing a book.

Ok, not the same book.

We have a new puppy who likes to terrorize our cat.

We had to have our second cat put down.

The children think I am the "pet murderer".

Nasty cat (aka Reggie) has become much nicer since we had his claws removed.

We had him fixed over a year ago, so he's probably wondering what the hell we'll do to him next.

Got into two car accidents in one day (rear ended by some moron and hit ice and spun out 9 hours later-while driving through the only blizzard Ottawa had this year).

School's almost done for another year and then I will have a child entering high school, an event I'm not sure he's ready for.

I am definitely not ready for it.

Some days I feel like Ferris Bueller..."life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop and look around some time, you might miss it..." I'm trying not to miss it...