Murphy...

I'm not even sure how to start this post.

Murphy, our 13 1/2 year old rottweiler border collie cross, is dying.

We've known for a while that she was long past middle age and well into her sunset years and each time she seemed a little slower getting up or took longer get up the stairs, we'd look at each other and sigh unhappily...because we knew that the day was coming, sooner rather than later, that we would have to say goodbye...

This morning when I woke up, Murphy was on the landing to our second floor, lying in her own urine. The poor girl couldn't get up...her back legs simply would not support her.

Brian and I sat with her for a long time, crying, petting her, wondering what we were going to do...every pet owner we know would tell us that the humane thing to do would be to take her to the vet and put her down..."It's what we do for our pets when they're old," is the refrain I've heard from many friends and family...

Ian, who had come upstairs, lay on the floor next to Murphy, crying...begging us not to put her down..."You promised me you would let her die of old age!" he told me...

Which I had...some time in the last year, Ian had come to me, visibly upset and asked me if I was sorry that I had killed Casey (a cat I had owned long before I met Brian, and who had been put down in the spring of 2005)...he then begged me to never do such a thing again...I promised him I wouldn't...

Because, you see, I am a practising Catholic...one who actually believes in the Church and her teachings...my faith is a central part of what makes me me...and I try to teach my children their faith every day...we are not Catholics at Christmas and Easter only...not even only on Sundays...we try to live out our faith every single day...and my faith teaches me that killing is wrong...whether it be abortion, euthanasia or premeditated murder...killing is wrong. And I do not want to be a hypocrite in my children's eyes...saying that it's ok to kill a dog, but not a human...not when we've made it clear to them from the day they were born that Murphy is a member of our family...

There are many people who disagree with how we raise our kids...I can already hear Brian's mother, my family and most of my friends telling me I'm crazy not to put the dog down...that it's not killing Murphy, it's the humane thing to do...

But none of them live with Ian. They love him, they understand that he's different from others...they know that he sees the world in black and white. There is no grey for my son. You are either on the side of right or you are not. Period. Putting Murphy down is not humane to Ian. It is killing a member of our family. "Would you do that to me if I was sick?" he asked me that day.

"No," I answered, knowing what he would say next.

"Then why would you do it to one of our pets? It's no different," he reasoned. "Killing is killing. Isn't it?"

And how could I argue with that? No matter what kind of pretty words you use....abortion, euthanasia...it's still killing.

And so I promised I would let our pets die of old age...and here we are, wondering when Murphy is going to leave us...

I'm listening to her drink from her water bowl as I sit here and I can feel the tears starting to prick the back of my eyes...because I don't know how many more days I will have to be with this beautiful creature who has never asked for anything from any of us, but who has given nothing but unconditional love and loyalty for over 13 years...

But I do know this...Murphy will go when she's ready and she will not be lying on a cold table in the vet's exam room...she will die at home, surrounded by those of us who have known and loved her her entire life...that, to me, is dying with dignity...and Murphy deserves that, because, as Emma put it this morning, "Murphy is the best dog in the whole world. Ever."